


Just Say It

by Amyxtrussler



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:58:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6220867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amyxtrussler/pseuds/Amyxtrussler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A darker intake on Patsy's and Delia relationship. What if Patsy couldn't keep her strong facade together any longer?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfiction on these two and call the midwife, so any feedback will be hugely appreciated! I really hope you enjoy, I will try to update every week or two at least.

She sat on the edge of her bed, thumb rubbing delicately over the soft texture of the slightly crumpled paper. Delia’s neat handwriting spread over the page from end to end perfectly, talking about her family and all sorts. She was in her room alone, with a cigarette in hand. She slowly took a long drag on it, struggling to push down the emotions clawing to get out. How she missed running into her arms, stealing a quick kiss down an alleyway, holding her smooth hand and seeing her luscious creamy, soft skin. Trixie was out helping a young mother give birth to her first, so she was guaranteed at least another hour alone.

  
She treasured these moments, where if she wanted to she can break down in front of no-one, she didn’t like the attention. Ever since the experience of the Japanese war camp in WW2, she knew that what mattered wasn’t the emotion but the work. But Delia changed that, taught her new things which were better. She can still recall most of all the reassuring hugs, heated arguments and awkward apologies. They shaped who Patsy is today.

  
But now all she had left of Delia was letters. Ever since the accident, she had minor brain damage causing amnesia. All memories of Patsy and their relationship was wiped from her brain, she didn’t deserve it. That’s all Patsy could think for the couple of long, tiring days after it. Even though her work load had reduced a lot (thanks to a Sister Julienne) she couldn’t get back to normal. She thought that no-one had noticed, but really they had. She and Delia were often part of their prayers and Trixie would hear her stifles cries throughout the night.

  
Trixie had longed to do something to improve the mood of her beloved friend, but couldn’t summon herself to interfere. She had noticed she was barely eating, having more nightmares and going straight to their room. She was always the one to hold a conversation with anyone, being upbeat and helping out whenever she can. She had liked to think she quit cubs, but Trixie had assured them it was just a temporary break.

  
Coming out of a dream-like state, she unflatteringly yawned. It’s been a week since Delia was hit off of Patsy’s bike by a car. Breaking the train of thought, she could feel the need to sleep slightly tug on her shoulders. Slowly she got up and went to the bathroom, with her pyjamas in hand, changing and brushing her teeth. Though, different to every other night, she took a minute to stare at herself in the mirror. She took in what she saw, without a care in the world. She wanted to care (of course) but she just couldn’t. It had all been saved for Delia, but that was gone now. It was ripped from her own hands with no acknowledgement or allowance.

  
Her hair was knotty and draped down to her shoulders, her lips were dry and cracked, eyes bloodshot with dark rings underneath, her nose red and her eyebrows permanently furrowed. She knew she wasn’t perfect, but deep down she knew makeup wouldn’t cure this. She also knew that at some point she will have to get over her Delia and move on. But she didn’t want to face that right now. So getting back on track with her normal routine, she turned on her heels and went to bed preparing for the next day.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a long, hard day for Patsy and all she wanted was to get home, brew a cup of tea and go to bed; but life had other ideas. As she forced her legs to continue pedaling the wind caressed her face beautifully with her fiery red still somehow perfect in its usual beehive. With it whistling in her ears, she steadily controlled her bicycle. I mean, they do say practice makes perfect. As she edged closer to nonnatus, Patsy could really start to feel today's work take its toll.  
Her breathing began to hitch in her throat with tears forming in her eyes. Eventually after around 30 minutes of non-stop cycling, she swung off her bike wheeling it to the bike shed. Quickening her pace, she got closer and closer to the warm, welcoming aurora of what she calls home. She climbed up the stairs, before putting most of her body weight on the tall, brown door. Almost falling right through, she steadied herself, flattening her skirt and pushing it shut. Without any care for her surroundings, she leaned against the door with her eyes closed taking in everything which occurred today.

  
She couldn’t hold it back anymore, the demon inside which had been affecting her all day. She let out a long, strangled sob sliding down the now rough interior. Her shoulders heaved with every cry out to the heavens, as tears poured down her cheek, off her jawline and onto the floor.

  
“Pats? Pats is that you?”

  
At this moment, everything was a haze. All Patsy could see was her own tears, hear her own sobs, smell her personal dignified smell and feel the depressing mood hovering over her. Not having moved since entering, her brown handbag- you could say- was leaning on her legs. Her knees were up to her chest, hands covering her face, her midwifery dress falling elegantly for her stance and her hair miraculously still not harmed at all.  
Without notice from herself, Trixie had appeared round the corner shushing and shuffling the other nuns away.

“Oh Pats, whatever is wrong?”

  
She quickly hurried to her side engulfing her in a friendly hug putting the only loose strand of hair behind Patsy’s ear. In response, the taller woman just let herself go even more burying her head into Trixie’s shoulder. For the first time Patsy had let her strong facade fall to her close friends, Throughout her eventful years in this job she hasn’t ever openly let herself crumble like this. Trixie would often hear her crying through the night but new better than to interfere, she knew how much she valued her privacy. But right here and now, clinging onto Trixie was someone completely different to the midwife, friend, former Girlfriend and Daughter of God they previously knew.

  
After approximately a good five minutes, Patsy’s sobs stifled and her breathing slowly became steady as she calmed down. Trixie could begin to feel the start of a cramp brewing in her hip. Though, right now what was the most important to her was the person in need leaning on her for support, so she wasn’t going to make a stupid cramp make her feel worse. Breaking the silence, a heavy sigh surprised the blonde and was followed by a croaky voice only loud enough for Trixie to hear.

  
“Can we go up to our room please?”

  
A simple hold of her hand for encouragement and a warm smile was enough to answer. Being honest, Trixie had no idea what to say. This sudden outburst of emotions from Patsy made surprising seem an understatement. Coming back to her senses, she helped the red-haired lady up-still holding her hand- and lead Patsy up the stairs to their room occasionally checking behind her to take in her facial features. All she could notice was how her normal bright blue eyes full of life had dimmed, with the company of them being bloodshot.

  
_‘Whatever could have brought this change?’_

  
Was one of the many questions swarming through Trixie’s brain, but she knew her beloved friend would tell her everything when she’s ready- if you know Nurse Patsy Mount you’ll know better than to pry. With a quick glance at the clock, it displayed they had an hour to kill before dinner.

  
Soon enough, Patsy was perched at the end of her bed facing Trixie who was on hers with a sneaky glass of babycham in her hand. Though, her drinking was now under control. A silence had lingered around them for a little while now, with the click of the clock was the only thing disrupting the comfortable silence. Taking a sip of the alcoholic drink, Trixie readjusted her position on her bed earning a groan as a response.

  
“So, tell me everything. When Trixie is onto someone’s case she never leaves without every last detail!”

  
Oh, how Patsy wished she could just blurt everything out. How her rock, favourite person and soulmate still doesn’t remember her 3 months after the accident. From the excitement of moving into their own flat, with privacy and no longer having to hide the strong affection they have for each other. All the times she did and still does beat herself up for not being more intimate then and there, letting her know how much she loved her and not wasting any time. Repeatedly she has questioned what she did to deserve it and why her.

  
Now all they had been doing was exchanging letters, there could possibly be weeks between each one being posted and received. All this time, she has been clinging on to the only positive, that Delia was getting better and she is okay. However, yesterday night was the fall in normality, pretending she’s fine when really she’s somehow still breaking inside despite already feeling completely shattered. The letter she had received yesterday was the heart-breaking reminder. She could recall those pain ridden words.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with all the dialogue in this chapter, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.

“There’s nothing to know Trixie, I’m just have a bad day. That is all.” Her voice somehow doesn’t fail her, replacing her fallen mask. As she gets up to go to the restroom to let her emotions flood out again, Trixie stands up with her. Questionably, Patsy shifts her glance to her. They lock eyes for a few seconds until she can’t take it anymore and averts her eyes towards the ground. She begins to make her way towards their bathroom, until the blonde girls hand firmly grips the others wrist. Taken back, she lets out a quiet gasp but quickly regains her confident stance. She couldn’t turn to face her again, she can’t and mustn’t know. All through this, she could feel her eyes starring right into the back of her head. If it was possible, the gaze could’ve burnt two holes right through her head. She heard her friend intake a heavy sigh, and a loud gulp.

“I don’t know why you think I’m that dumb, Pats. From someone who has been through all of this, you think you can continue to hide yourself? Well, answering for you, no. You can’t. So, don’t make me force you to sit down and blurt out everything. This is what friends are for, am I right?”

In a panic, Patsy frantically tried to place words together to form a reply. Her emotions were everywhere; she had no idea what she was feeling. She could feel her pulse fasten and blood pump around her body, fueling her with the energy she lacks.

“Perhaps, have you ever thought people prefer to keep things to themselves?”

“Well, Pats, if it does this too you I want to know how to help!”

“Not everything can be told as freely as we both wish.”

“Oh, give up with this act I’m not falling for it. I’ve shared my many secrets with you, so it’s only fair you return that. It’ll get rid of your burden while you’re at it.”

“Surely you have something more important to tend too? Such as being on call?!”

After a further 5 minutes trying to change the subject, anger begins to take over Trixie’s vision. After sharing the truth about her mystery classes, how was it fair Patsy wouldn’t tell her what was making her so upset now? On the other hand, Patsy was silently willing for Trixie to be called out for a delivery but her luck had ran out.

“I’m not leaving without an answer. If I have to stay awake all night, get someone else involved or force you to tell me, so be it.”

Her voice had turned firm and demanding, anger slowly taking over her vision. Patsy suddenly jerked up, accidentally hitting her knee on Trixie’s hand as she did. Slowly, their voices began to get louder and louder.

“Trixie, how many times do I have to say this? Nothing is wrong! So just get off my case and go chase someone else.”

“And what do you mean by chase? Thank you, but I have do not recall chasing anyone in my lifetime! I’m very sure on what you mean by that, Patience. How dare you imply that on me, Patsy! All I want to know is what bothering you, for goodness sake!”

Trixie, outraged, slammed her now empty glass on the dresser standing up to reduce the distance between her and the red-head. Studying her facial features, her jaw hung slightly open from shock with tear stained eyes.

“All I do is care about you, wanting to help you and I get this. Perhaps I should totally rethink about who actually are my friends.”

By now, Patsy had turned away from her, recollecting herself. Rage had slowly built up in the pit of her stomach, and by now both were shouting. They had forgotten about the rest of the residents in the house, and certainly didn’t begin to hear the footsteps edging up the stairs and nearer the door. Patsy flung round, her face red with over-ridden emotions. She couldn’t quite stop herself, as she shrieked a stunning reply right from the bottom of the lungs causing Trixie to cower away slightly.

“Fine, you really want to know? Today marks the three month anniversary of Delia’s accident. Perhaps I miss her more than I let on, perhaps we had more than a friendship. Maybe, I’m eve-“

The door swung open, causing both ladies gazes to turn to see what had interrupted their heated conversation. In the doorway to their shared room, a rather flustered Sister Julienne stood trying to get her breath back.

“What on earth is going on in here ladies? We can hear you from downstairs, even over all the noise of dinner cooking. I hate to say this, but I want both of you in my office, now!”

After a long lecture, many tears and apologies- which were hard to decipher if they had any meaning in them- everyone was now sat in an awkward silence around the table. Patsy’s and Trixie’s heads were down, with the others exchanging looks of worry and wonder. Patsy had barely any food on her plate due to claiming she didn’t have an appetite and Trixie was playing with the reasonably odd large amount of leftovers on her plate. Without warning, a calm but stern voice echoed through the unusually quiet room startling the younger midwives.

“I suggest we put what happened today behind us, as it was a learning point for everybody. Now, as a good person will do, their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more. I suggest you all follow suit.”

Patsy could feel everyone staring at her. Suddenly the whole room got much smaller, the amount of air lowered considerably, her cheeks were a dark shade of red and she struggled to inhale any oxygen. She had to get out of here, everyone knew now and were judging her on the spot. Without a doubt, she would soon be turned out onto the streets with no money, job or love. With a loud clutter, she dropped her cutlery making a run for the door. She grabbed her coat on the way before sprinting far from her home; which probably won’t be for any longer. The rush of cold air made Patsy calmer, bringing her back to her senses. She pulled her coat closer to her body, trying to get extra heat by any way possible. She stuffed her now numb hands into her deep coat pockets, feeling her purse there too. She sighed with relief, as she fumbled with it seeing enough change for a cup of coffee.


	3. Chapter 3

Her trek to the café was more than boring. Silence had engulfed Poplar, with many families snuggled indoors feasting together. She was alone on the sidewalk with only her thoughts to give her company and she luckily had a hazy idea of where she was. A guilty feeling had enveloped her heart as she wondered how much people must be worrying.

Sighing into her drink, she took a sip feeling the hot liquid go down her throat. The sun had already begun to set and she definitely didn’t have enough time to get back to nonnatus house. Her emotions were all invisibly flying above her head, she was relieved she had an excuse on why she hadn’t returned but then felt extremely wrong. She would enforce all the others to have a higher workload while being stressed.

Though, she didn’t know if she really wanted to go back. Could she face the wrath of them all? The knowing look on Sister’s Juliennes face as those words left her mouth, making everyone’s attention avert to her. This was all because she couldn’t keep her mask on, that’s why she never let it quite fall. Delia was the one who would glue it back on in place perfectly. She did it that exact night when she had given birth to a stillborn.

Though that was gone now, she had no-one. Through the petty dispute she had lost one of her closest friends and possibly her whole life. She could feel herself slipping away into the pit of depression, the walls were steep and slippery. It made her fall deeper as all this time she’s been trying to stay out of it, continue on with life as if nothing ever happened. But today was when it all fell- much to her disappointment. Yesterday she would’ve been in the comfort of her bed, but today she is surrounded by rotting walls and the smell of body odour. Although it had to do, it was better than the danger lurking on the streets.

Her vision became blurred as tears overcame her sight again but this time forced them back, she had already cried enough; it wasn’t her turn anymore. She had been gone for nearly five hours now, treasuring the decent amount of money she has left. It was enough to find a place to stay for a couple of nights and to eat. Intruding her thoughts, she listened intently to the radio. It was easy to do, as the café was relatively empty. The only other people there were a happy couple- causing a pang of jealousy to strike her in the heart- and the barista.

_‘We have been made aware of a missing female. She is described to be in her late twenties, tall, slim, a red-head and blue eyes. She was last seen wearing dark green slacks and a cream blouse. The last reported sight of her was at nonnatus house, approximately five and a half hours ago. If you have any suspicions you have seen this lady, please let the police know immediately’_

She could feel a blush rise up from neck onto her cheeks as she pulled her coat closer to her body putting her head down further, she could not be recognised. Not thinking twice, she thanked the barista before leaving, turning down the road walking at a quick pace. She could just set off for Nonnatus house now, she’ll get there before dawn and if she tip-toes in quietly no one will notice she’s back. Lifting up her wrist, she squinted to read her watch.

_‘8:47’_

“God darn it.” She quietly muttered under her breath, confirming she could not get back to her current housing point today. Setting off again and pulling her hood on, she began her hotel search.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trixie had never felt so bad in her life, she had caused all of this. She was sitting in the living room, accompanied just by Barbara. Nurse Crane was on call, Sister Julienne in her office dealing with this situation and everyone else in a blissful sleep. Conversation had been absent for a while, with the two friends just sitting in silence. The clocked chimed for midnight, just as a rather panicked sister joined them. She quietly moved to sit down next to Trixie on the sofa, placing a supporting hand on her knee.

“There’s still been no-one come forward to the police, I’m afraid we could be in for a rather long night.” The nun’s voice was hushed and caring, provoking a long sigh from Barbara.

Hesitantly, she got up moving over to the two of them from the armchair.

“Sister, I will be happy to take over from her shifts tomorrow. Consider it repayment for everything you have done so far,” She swallows hard to get rid of the forming lump in her throat, turning to face the more broken one of the two. “Now for you, don’t stay up too long worrying. I don’t want to have to deal with a grumpy Trixie in the morning,”

Following her statement she manages a quiet laugh, putting a stray piece of her blonde hair behind her ear. In return, she manages a small smile to form on her lips while more stray tears fall. In instinct, Barbara reaches up wiping the tears off her face. She pulled her into a long, comforting hug while the broken woman sobbed profusely into her shoulder.

“This is what friends are for, am I right?”

A chuckle escapes Sister Juliennes lip at the sight of the two.

“Now, girls you should really ought to be going to bed. You will have a lot of work to do in the morning and it may be very emotional again. You can’t keep the mothers of Poplar waiting I’m afraid.”

“Yes, of course. I und-“

“No! What happens if she comes back? I have to be here for her, apologise properly and make it up to her. I-I caused this, Sister. So I have to sort this.”

She shot up and stormed off, leaving the other 2 women stunned listening to her heavy footsteps going up the stairs. They both flinched as they heard the door slammed and both turned to each other sharing the same determined look. The younger woman shot up inhaling a large, shaky breath before making up her mind.

“In the morning, I’m going to go looking for her. After my shift of course. As if she won’t come to us, we will go to her.”

She was smiling once she finished the sentence as she felt the emotional tenseness lift from the air.

“I’ll let you under one circumstance. If Trixie wishes to go with you, she does not venture that far and you stay safe, make sure you have enough time. Okay?”

“Yes, sister. Now, I bid you goodnight. Let me know if there is anything further we can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though it's only chapter 3, I'm not particularly happy with how it's going so far. I'm going to continue it for now and try to change it so I'm happy with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't proof read this chapter, so if there are any mistakes please forgive me!

She now had barely any money left, after using it all up to pay for this room for almost a week. She had no choice but to either go back home or run further at risk of death. Both had their positives and negatives. She would escape the glances of the other midwives and nuns though would be living on the streets. Her stomach was growling, she hadn’t eaten for three days. She was famished, she knew she had left it too late. This was her last night before she would have to make a frightfully important decision. Sleep took time to find her last night.

The light from dawn seeped in through the curtain illuminating the room. The young woman stirred in her sleep, before yawning and before sitting up and placing her hands behind her back to support her. She took in her unfamiliar surroundings, before throwing herself down onto the bed groaning.

_‘What have I done?’_

She brought her hands up to her eyes, rubbing them ferociously before leaving them to rest on her forehead. This was how she stayed for a few moments, until making her mind up on what she was going to do. She turned over, sighing. Meaning to just take a couple of minutes to get the will to get up, she could feel the weight on her eyes and once again drifted off to sleep.

Intruded on by the light once again, she woke up about three hours later. She instantly felt refreshed and slightly calmer than yesterday. She propped herself up, before checking the clock. Much to her surprise, it was already midday. Realising it would be hard to escape unnoticed by others, she rushed to get ready.

She pulled the covers off, the cold air hitting her bare stomach and legs. She stumbled over to where she hung her clothes over the chair, placing them on carefully but quickly. She walked over to the dresser with a mirror, positioning herself on the chair. She fixed her make-up to her best ability, and freshly applied some of her signature red lipstick she had found in her purse. Her hair was down, just about reaching her shoulders, and covering just enough of her face to hopefully not be spotted by any of the public.

She made the bed, tidied the room and grabbed her belongings before heading down to hotels reception. She had seen the other night that there had been a phone, but it was no use to her. She had no one to call upon. It was practically deserted surprising for the time of day. She thanked the staff, trying her best to look different than the person described on the video yesterday. She opened the slightly creaky door, feeling the cold air whisk pass causing her to shiver. Everything was going perfect until she heard two voices she knew all too well.

“Trixie, this is the last hotel in this town. I will go in, as I don’t want you being dragged out like you did in the other one.”

“But Barbara!”

“Trixie, stay out here and have a cigarette to calm yourself down. I’ll be back soon.”

In a state of panic, she threw herself into the dimly lit alley. She pulled her hood up and kept her head down. She could hear footsteps get closer and the humming of Trixie.

_‘nononononono, she can’t be coming closer. Okay, what am I going to do? Oh goodness, oh goodness, oh goodness. Play it cool Patsy.’_

“Excuse me, do you have a lighter?”

She couldn’t just block her out as if she isn’t there, so she did what anyone else would do. She reached into her coat pocket, before handing the lighter to her. She could feel the electricity pass through their hands, and before she could stop herself she yanked her hand away far too quickly for it not to be suspicious. She felt the blonde lean against the wall next to her, who was trying to learn more about this character.

“Thank you, would you like one? In return for letting me use your lighter.”

“Yes,”

Was all she could manage to croak out. She cringed at herself, as she sounded like an old woman when attempting to sound different. She took the cigar from between Trixie’s fingers before taking a long drag. The feeling had been severely needed from the occurrences in the past 24 hours.

“So, what’s your name? I’m Beatrix, but please call me Trixie.”

“I’m, I’m Deels.”

She couldn’t think of any other name, so just blurted out the name to the person who was always in her mind.

“That’s a lovely name, one of my friends was called Delia. My best friend always called her Deels. They were so close, it was cute really. But now they’ve both gone a-and,”

Her voice cracked, as she heard her quietly cry to herself.

“Now they’re both g-gone. She’s gone missing, have you seen her?”

“I-I do-“

“Tall, elegant, ginger, blue eyes, strong? Please help us, I need her. I made her go because I’m so stupid! I will never forgive myself if she doesn’t come back,”

She inhaled sharply, before taking another long drag on her cigarette.

“Well, she doesn’t want to otherwise she would’ve returned. We’ve had to go searching for her. Hint why I don’t really know these parts.”

By now she had tears spilling down her face. She was staring blankly in front of her as if she was in a trance, maybe she was, but Patsy’s eyes were fixed on Trixie’s seeing the sadness engulfed deep within. She didn’t know what to do, if she just showed herself if it would make her happy, more upset or angry. The blonde woman spoke up again, this time her voice sounding dead.

“I had a dream last night, bear in mind I only got one hour of sleep, about al our memories together. When we first moved in, when we had a stupid argument as she was teaching my then boyfriend to dance- for me. I felt terrible after that,”

She let out a sigh, now turning to face the taller of the two. She couldn’t make out any of her facial features, as the oversized hood covered them all in darkness.

“What woman am I just going on about myself? What about you, what do you do for a living?”

She didn’t respond, she couldn’t. Her throat had just seized up, make breathing considerably more difficult. Finally having some luck, Barbara had begun to call out for Trixie.

“Babs I’m down here! Come join me.”

Pats had to hold back a grunt, in dire need to escape this situation. She stubbed out her cigarette moving in to another position so she was facing the other two. She knew she was suspicious, so she had decided to play it as cool as she could.

“Barbara, this is Deels. We have been talking while you were in the hotel. De-“

A large gust of wind came their way, knocking the hood off Patsy’s head. She flung her arm over her head trying to hide herself to no avail. She could see the surprised looks on their faces. Trixie’s jaw had dropped and Barbara’s eyes were wide. Her heart rate increased further and she backed away slightly.

“Patsy? Pats?! Why?!”

Trixie was shouting at this point and looked livid. Patsy did the only thing which could register in her mind; Run. She turned around quickly on her heels, before taking off down the dark alley way.

“Patsy, stop come back! We’re not mad!”

Trixie was hot on her heels, while Barbara stood and gathered their things. It was hard to see down the alleyway and progressively got even more difficult as the streetlights stretched further and further apart. Patsy was shattered and everything was becoming a blur, but she forced herself to continue running. Trixie was beginning to get out of breath, but she would keep going until she caught her friend. She was praying to the lords that this would come to a dead end soon, but there was no answer. Soon they were out onto a quiet street. There was no-one to help stop the wild-goose chase, until things took a dramatic turn for the worse.

Patsy suddenly tripped, landing heavily on her right side. Her mid-rift had slammed onto the curve and her head made contact with the road. Her arm was in an awkward position and looked broken. For a mere second, Trixie stood rooted to the spot until instinct kicked in. She rushed to her side, checking for a pulse. At the beginning there wasn’t anything there, until she felt it. It was very faint and slow, sparking even more worry within Trixie.

“HELP! HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE! HELP!”

Eventually a couple of strangers rushed over to help her support Patsy and one rang for an ambulance. Barbara had rushed over too, before leaving to use the phone to call the residents of nonnatus.

Everything happened so quickly. It was all a blur, nothing stayed in either of the Midwives head. Soon enough Trixie was in the ambulance and Nurse Crane had come to pick up Barbara. Neither spoke a word, the thought of her lying on that floor as pale as she was nauseated them. They were traumatised.

Everyone was gathered around the dining table in an uncomfortable silence. Trixie had been ushered away as they treated Patsy. Due to the extent of her injuries, no-one would be able to visit her for at least another three hours. The nuns shared prayers for injured, shattered soul and spared a thought for her. Even Sister Winifred. Sister Julienne knew she had committed a sin, but it wasn’t effecting them, thus when she was better she would be welcomed with more than open arms.

“All they told me was that she dislocated her elbow and cracked a couple of ribs. I knew there was more, otherwise I would’ve been able to see her.”

Sister Mary Cynthia reached over and placed her hand on top of Trixie’s. They turned to look at each other, sharing a saddened smile.

“She’s in the best of hands. But rather than mourn for her, we will do something for her. I know that we can’t stop babies being born but we will make sure that she is comforted at every moment possible.”

“But what happens if she doesn’t remember us like Delia?”

The comment left Trixie’s slightly parted lips before she could stop it, she didn’t mean to say it. Everyone looked at her stunned, as she sunk down slightly in her chair.

“I mean, she did hit her head quite hard on the pavement.”

Barbara decided if Trixie was going to get glared at for a comment, she would back her up too. She was her friend, and deep down they knew there could be a truth in that statement.

Throughout the hours, people came and went. They had to continue the day, no matter how much they just wanted to sit down with a cup of tea/coffee and wait for news. Time didn’t stop for anyone, sadly. It was late evening when the telephone rang and everyone instantly perked up. Sister Julienne was the one to answer in case it was the hospital, while everyone else listened intently. However, they would wish they had never found out how she was, as it would bring tears to all and make some feel sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really struggling to write at the moment and have been for a week. It has been a very emotional week for me, and I'm really struggling to keep positive thoughts. I'm not asking for sympathy, but understanding and patience. Please bear with me, I will try to update as soon as I can. Also, I am slowly improving, I am still young (most likely younger than you expect) so don't expect miracles JUST yet.


	5. Chapter 5

“Hello, nonntaus house midwife speaking,”

“Hello, it’s Nurse Dales. Is it possible I can speak to Sister Julienne? I believe she is the closest relation to a patient submitted here earlier?”

“That is me. You are correct if you’re talking about Patience Mount.”

 “Yes, I am. She has been placed in an induce coma and we still don’t know the full extent of some of her injuries. She was rushed into surgery for a collapsed lung shortly after entry and is being very closely monitored for brain trauma. All we know for certain so far, is that she has an acute bleed on the brain, dislocated elbow and a broken arm. She can take visitors in 3 days’ time, but of course she wouldn’t be able to communicate. We will call you if there are any sudden, serious changes in her condition.”

“Okay, thank you very much.”

She shakily placed the phone down, scouring her brain for words to explain this to the others. She knew she had to be strong, for them and God. She knew this was a test of their wellbeing, their worth and their physiological strength. So she wiped her teary eyes, patted down her tunic and regained a good posture. She strode into the room confidently, taking her seat at the top of the table. She couldn’t bring herself to talk straight away, as she had then realised what it could mean. One of her dearest, had suffered a brain injury. Much like her closest friend- or more, she sometimes wondered- did too. She could lose her memory, be physically effected or even worse; die. What could she do then? No, she knew she had to think about the present and not the future, as the future isn’t fully decided yet. Most knew of Patsy’s lack of family but never talked about it, it was her private life and people had the decency to stay out of it. However now they needed to hold a discussion of what they will do if she recovers, where she will stay, who will look after her when and what type of treatment might she need. Everyone knew the horrors of today had to be faced, either now or later as you can’t hide from them forever.

“I sent a letter to Delia…” Trixie’s voiced was croaky as it pierced through the thickening silence.  “I didn’t know what else to do, I know she doesn’t remember her or me but she has the right to know.”

She stood up to leave, the chair legs screeching as the scratch against the floor, but Sister Mary Cynthia firmly grabbed her wrist before she could get away. She fell into her open arms, her sobs now echoing around the room. Nurse Crane excused herself as the phone rang, needing to attend to midwifery duties.

“She’s very ill, her condition is somewhat sable at this moment in time but could deteriorate at any minute. She can take visitors b-“

“Oh please sister, please let me go! I will make it up to you with the work load, I have to see her!” Trixie’s voice had a slightly happier tone, and anyone could sense the excitement in it from miles away.

“Now, if you had let me finish, I believe that would’ve been the best way to address the matter. Though, I do warn it may be very upsetting. From what I’ve been told it could be one of the worst cases they have had in while.”

“Sister, you do not have to worry, I will accompany Trixie to and from the hospital. That is if you are happy for me to do so.” Sister Mary Cynthia took hold of Trixie’s hand, her gaze fixated on the melancholy wreck in front of her. But she soon felt a small smile tug at the corner of her lips as she could begin to sense a slightly happier feeling breaking through.

“In this situation, I will allow it. I will let you see her on Friday. Now, midwifery has it duties which need to be filled. Right now, we all need to pull together. Also,” her gaze now turned to the two younger girls who were still clinging onto each other “As I am granting you time off, I ask that you will put extra effort into your work for the next couple of days until you see her. Now, I’m sure your shifts are meant to start in 10 minutes.” She grinned as she saw the panicked look on their faces and watched them quickly run off to get ready.

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Trixie could see the feeble, middle-aged girl laying on the white hospital bed. She didn’t believe it was Patsy, it looked nothing like her. She looked so small, so vulnerable, so…. Dead? There was no other way to put it, she was so pale she almost camouflaged into the bed. She swore the life that had been in her had been poured out. All that was reassuring her that she was still in this world was the faint beep emitting from the heart monitor. She was rooted to the spot, this wasn’t her friend. This wasn’t her roommate. This wasn’t her dear Patience Mount who she held so very close to her heart. But it was, she knew deep down it was and that she would have to accept it. If she doesn’t now, then she’s sure she never will.

“You can go and sit next to her if you like, even though she’s not awake she will enjoy the company. She might even hear you, I’ll be back to check on her later.” The nurse left her standing alone in the room, until she felt a hand rest on her shoulder.

“Go on, you can’t do any harm. I’ll come with you, or I can stand outside for a minute.” Trixie turned to look down at the smaller nun, linking eyes with her. They were filled with emotion; sadness, support, kindness and relief.

“C-, Can I have a minute alone with her please?”

A simple nod was all that was needed, she walked closer to her best friend trembling slightly. She heard the door click shut and knew this was her time. She took refuge on the green chair, bringing her hands up to clasp the hand of the more physically broken of the two. She was very careful, minding not to move her body. Luckily, she was sat on the left-hand side of the bed and her left arm was the broken one.

“Oh Pats, you silly, silly little girl!” She chuckled lightly to herself, trying to trick her mind into thinking she was fine. But it came to no avail, and she could feel the tears pricking at the back of her eyes. “It’s Trixie here. I love you, you know. I’m so sorry I shouted at you, I honestly didn’t mean any of it. You know me, a-always wanting to know everything about everyone. I didn’t mean to c-cause any h-harm,” She brought her hand up to wipe her eyes and sniffed, feeling her emotions begin to build up and leak out again. “I just got so worried, hey, I even drove Barbara mad; now that’s pretty hard to do. I just wanted to find you, take you into my arms and tell y-you everything w-was o-okay.” She let the tears flow freely now, as they dropped off of her face onto her midwifery dress. “It all makes sense now, why you acted so different around Delia and especially after her… accident. I always thought there was something different about you two. Don’t worry, only the trained eyes will notice it. I know you’ll be angry at this, but I sent her a letter. I knew you had been exchanging some, and… I had to look through one to find out her address. It’s for the best, please don’t be mad at me!” She shuffled slightly in her seat, taking in her facial features. “I hope when you’re better again we can get back from where we left off. We never went out for that drink at the bar, remember you promised me?” She looked down at her watch, seeing she only had a couple of minutes left with her. “I’ve got to go now, babies don’t ever seem to want to wait do they? I hope you can hear me, and that you wake up soon. I miss you, Pats. I really do.” She stood up, planting a friendly kiss very gently on her forehead putting a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She reluctantly let go of her hand, smiling to herself slightly feeling pleased with the occurrences.

She really wishes that Patsy heard what she said, she meant every single word. When she was better and back at nonnatus she will make sure that everything is as perfect as it can be. It was only as she turned round that she noticed Sister Mary Cynthia studying her from the small doorway. Her heart rate instantly picked up, worried about what she might have heard. She must of seen Trixie’s expression turn to worry as she tilted her head to the side giggling. “Don’t worry, I only just came in. I just wanted to say something to her, in case she can hear.”

“I better go for my shift, I suppose you’ll be alright getting back?”

“Yes, of course. Now go, you wouldn’t want to stress Sister Julienne out anymore. Let her know when I’m back I’ll man the telephone for her.”

“Thank you.” They engulfed each other in a hug, both not wanting to let go. But time doesn’t stop for anyone, so they eventually went their separate ways.

It was now time for Sister Mary Cynthia to talk to the lonely woman, who will be left lying for days on end. She stood over her at the foot of her bed, taking her cross into her hand. She closed her eyes while muttering a prayer under her breath, she hated seeing people hurt, even if she didn’t know them. But for it to be someone who she knew and had already gone through so much hurting in her past -and now present- it broke her heart even more.

“Stay strong for us Patsy, fight this. We are all right behind you, even though you can’t hear or see us. We’re waiting for you, you’ll get through this." She patted her hand softly, before leaving. As the door shut behind her, she was surprised to hear the voice she had only minutes before. She hurried over to see the commotion, concerned for the wellbeing of the two. 

“Delia, Delia, Delia. Look at me, I’m Trixie, the one who sent you the letter.”


	6. Chapter 6

Patsy’s POV:

  
I can hear people saying things, but I can’t see them. I can feel a warmth in my hand, different to the rest of my body. I’m surrounded by darkness which seems to spread miles out in front of me. I can’t remember anything, not even who I am. Where am I? Everything is echoing, jumping off the non-existent walls and circling around me in a slightly threatening way. I’ve tried so many times to cry out but no sound comes out, there’s such a great pressure on my whole body it’s like I’m trapped; I can’t do anything. My throat is so dry and I struggle to take in any air. Even though I, I guess woke up a short time ago exhaustion is already taking over me. I don’t seem to be able to take in any of the words and what they mean, I feel like I’m back in preschool. I need to move, I need to open my eyes, I need to see to myself who and where I am but it is impossible. My muscles ache, burning, seemingly clawing at my skin for the release of pressure, but I’m stuck.

  
‘It’s Trixie here…’

  
An image of a reasonably short, blonde lady appeared in my mind. We were in a room together, sitting in a dress? Yes, a blue dress with a white collar which finished just below the knee. There was a red cardigan hung over the edge of my bed and we were sitting facing each other. It seemed like it was a uniform for something, but I can’t remember what. We were both smoking a cigarette and seemed to be close, as if we had known each other for a while. She seemed nice, but as if she was hiding part of herself. For some reason, it seemed we both were.

  
‘I sent a letter to Delia…’

  
Delia, that name. It rings a bell. I know her, I’m sure it’s a girl. I mean, why would a boy be called Delia? It couldn’t be a nickname, what would it be short for? Wales. She was Welsh, with brown hair framing her face beautifully and bright blue eyes which I could get lost in every single time I looked at them. I felt my heart pang, and then I knew. We had something more between us than the others, but we had drifted away. But it didn’t seem as if that was our fault, more like something had happened. I wanted to stay awake and continue to listen, but I slipped back off into a dreamless sleep. I needed to wake up and sort this mess out, even though I ached so much and all I could feel was pain.

  
Third Person POV:

  
“Delia, you need to sit down okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  
“She was the girl who came to see me at the hospital when I had my accident, wasn’t she?”

  
“Yes, she was. Do you remember her?”

  
“We’ve been exchanging letters, I’ve been remembering little things from my childhood and bigger things like my life in London. I worked here, it hit me when I came in. I suddenly knew exactly where to go and what was what. When I saw your handwriting I recognised it immediately, I remembered who you were!”

  
Trixie brought Delia in for a comforting hug, seeing fresh tears pour down her cheeks. She manoeuvred so they were facing Sister Mary Cynthia, who with an understanding nod set off for Nonnatus by herself. The other two woman soon pulled apart from each other, but took hold of each other’s hands. It was like Trixie was the mum and Delia the child. She led them both to Patsy’s room, stopping outside. She inhaled sharply, turning to make eye contact with the woman just taller of the two.

  
“I don’t know if I can do this Trixie, I didn’t expect our first meeting after the accident to go like this.” Delia could feel new tears begin to well up, but she didn’t quite understand why she was getting so emotional over her.

  
“I’ll be right behind you.” And with that, Trixie gently urged them both through the door towards the bed. She stood further back, watching Delia’s movement closely. It wasn’t fair for her to tell her about what they had, that was for when Patsy was ready, even though it was very tempting. She heard Delia let out a loud sob which she had clearly tried so hard to muffle, so she took a step closer to her side. She put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She felt her bury her face into the crook of her shoulder while she stood tall, staring directly at the body lying in front of her. Goodness knows how long they stayed in that position but eventually Delia’s sobs had suppressed and finally come to a halt. As silence occurred once again, they stood admiring the very close friend they both shared in front of them.

  
They didn’t worry about how much time passed, what mattered was now. They had both squished onto the only chair, chatted about various different topics and occasionally sat in silence. It wasn’t until Trixie failed dreadfully at suppressing a yawn, that the idea of how long they had really spent in the hospital room came to their attention. The long nights spent sobbing into her pillow, drying her tears, blaming herself and staring at the place where she used to store her alcohol (but always stopping herself from actually going and getting a drink- she had been clean for a while) had really caught up on her like a predator. Delia had noticed her staring into space and nudged her lightly in the ribs to bring her out of her daydream. She was about to voice her concerns for the exhaustion clearly displayed on her friends face, but her mouth was instantly shut again when she felt movement in her hand. It couldn’t be. “Trix, I felt movement or something” She felt her companion tense up next to her and intake a sharp, shaky breath and slowly breathe out. No words could really explain what they were exactly feeling, not even if you stringed lots of different ones together.

  
“What did you feel? Twitching, grasping, or just something?” She shot up and looked around in a panic frantically trying to think what to do. Both were unsure what to do but she knew being the healthiest one here and most able to make the critical decisions she must take initiative. Delia didn’t even have the chance to reply, as she done it for her. “You stay here, I’ll get someone.” She ran off quickly, slamming the door open and screaming down the hall. Anyone would do for now, her precious Patsy was waking and she wanted it to be every bit perfect.


End file.
